beautiful grace.

my prayer.

i write this with a broken heart. i don’t understand why I do the things i know hurt You the greatest. i need you. i want to hate sin like you do. i don’t understand why my flesh wars so much. all i want to do in this life is bring people to You, and draw more in love with You every day, and it seems like the thing i do is hurt those i love, and end up hurting our relationship so deeply it is without repair. why?

i know why. i understand that it’s selfishness. what i don’t understand is why i don’t learn from my mistakes. Why I don’t see the pain it causes you and run from it when it is in front of me.

instead i embrace it. i run to it. over and over i hurt the most precious relationship i will ever experience, and over and over, i am heartbroken.

i understand that your grace is enough. i understand that you paid the price once. i even understand that all i have to do is come and ask for your forgiveness and you are ready.

but I’m not.

i'm not ready to be forgiven. i feel as though there is more that i should have to do to pay for what i have done. i feel as though the hurt i have caused you needs more than just an “i’m sorry.” i can’t grasp the fact that all you desire is a change of heart.

but there you stand. arms open wide. tears streaming down your face. the pain i have caused you is evident by the pain in your eyes, and yet there you stand. waiting for me. i cannot even bear to meet your eyes, the pain and shame i feel are too great. and yet, when i am unable to look upon you, you take me in your arms and begin to sob. your tears begin to soak my filthy clothes, proof of the depth of sorrow you are feeling on my behalf. i lift my eyes to yours and mouth the words “i’m sorry.”

it’s enough.