ready.

i don't know the full extent
of what He's doing.
but i'm ready for it.

i need Him so much right now.
need Him.
want Him.
trust Him.
love Him.

i can't wait for Him
to change my world.
to do big things.

i've given myself completely to Him.
and i don't want myself back.

i want to lose all for His sake.
to have nothing to depend on but His name.

i want nothing but Him.
forever.

i want Him to do things too big for me.
so everyone knows it's Him.

i'm ready.
i'm willing.
i'm anxious.
i'm patient.
i'm hurting.
i'm hoping.
i'm trusting.
i'm terrified.
i'm His.


"but whatever gain i had, i count as loss for the sake of Christ. indeed, i count everything as loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. for His sake i have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that i may gain Christ and be found in Him."

consumed.

i have no words.
for what is happening.
in my heart.

though words have never done justice.
this time they are just
completely
inadequate.

there is a physical weight on my heart.
a pressure.
makes it hard to breathe
sometimes.

it can only be described as an
all
consuming
love.
for my Jesus.

and an
all
consuming
desperation
for people to know Him.

the pressure will not subside.
it threatens to
overwhelm me.
consume me.
transform me.

we are in a state of emergency.


my life is a vapor.
it will be gone soon.
and i have no time to waste.
and so i lay awake at night.

wanting to go.
and love.
and serve.

to make the most
of every conversation
every day.
every moment.

there is an intensity
that burns greater
than
ever
before.

and it won't go away.

and i don't want it to.

"let me catch a fiery passion to do your will. my goal is this alone. my heart is fixed. let me not turn. consume my affection and let your love burn deeply. give me power to remain prostrate at your pierced feet. there is no other place i'd rather be."

surrender.

i'm standing in the middle of a whirlwind.
and it's a scary.
and uncertain.
but my footing is firm.

my hands are lifted in the air.
and they are open.
holding nothing.

my eyes are closed.
in simple trust.

i am not big enough.
for this.
i do not know why He asked me.
but i'm honored.
the whirlwind doesn't make sense.
and didn't come at a convenient time.

but it's beautiful.
and i want to stay.

restless.

my heart is restless.
it's an every day battle.
right now.
to be quietly content.

i want Him to talk to me.
in a new way.
i've stopped to listen.
for the first time
in a while.

this world He has placed me in.
is filled
with opportunity.
incredible people.
love.
beauty.

makes me restless.

wanting to make the most of
every
single
moment.

but feeling as though
i am sitting.
wasting them.
actually.

it's because of me.
see.
i get in the way.
of Him.

i think i know what will satisfy.
myself.
what will make me feel fulfilled.
but i don't.
i don't know the first thing about me.

that's why trusting.
and then following.
are a must right now.

He knows me.
know what puts me in my element.
makes my heart thrive.
and sing.

and where i feel used.
and in turn,
content.

so i want Him to take me there.
do it.

whatever it takes.
i want Him to do in my heart and my life.
too take me there.

i want Him.
all of Him.

only He,
can make my heart rest.

sometimes.

sometimes.
life hurts.
somtimes.
it gets all out of focus like I'm looking through one of those kaleidoscopes.
and takes more than just the twist of a hand.
to clear the blurr.

sometimes.
life is simple.
seemingly carefree.
and fun.

somtimes.
it feels as though there is not one.
easy.
answer.
to be found.
upside down is normal.
and underwater it is easier to breathe.

sometimes.
there is contentment.
somtimes.
such an intense longing for something other than
the way life is.
rises up.
and makes me restless.

like now.

now i want more.
more of You.
more of life.
more of love.

it's not that i'm not blessed beyond measure.
it's not that i don't think this is
exactly.
where i am supposed to be.

for now.

but i long for more.
i want you to teach me.
during this time.
don't let me waste this longing.

but bring me through it in a hurry.
cause Jesus?

it hurts.
somtimes.

enough.

"...to pursue after Christ does not narrow one's life, but brings it rather to the level of highest possible fulfillment." a.w. tozer

this statement has become so real in my life as of late. sometimes i believe that we, even as christians, have a mindset of 'to follow Christ will require sacrifice, and therefore become mundane, and even difficult.' this is so far from the truth. to follow hard after our creator is what we were made for. to pursue with passion His plan, and His dreams, is the only possible hope of finding pure joy and contentment.

we are in a culture saturated with 'me.' this makes the mindset of 'Him' difficult to understand. because we are handed everything we could ever want or need, we find the ideas of 'pursuing after righteousness,' or even 'being set apart,' a discipline that just seems either too time consuming, or requires too much effort to be worth it. if we could only grasp how truly amazing life could be when lived for Him!

the practice of living life in His holy presense has become the overwhelming desire of my life. i want to look like Him. i want to love like Him. i want to be so saturated with His presence, so completely consumed with Him, that nothing else matters.

i want to be able to say, if everything i loved was gone tomorrow...He would be enough.