a time to prepare.

this place, this time in my life, has far exceeded my expectations.  there's something about being in a community filled with people of the same heart, the same mind, and the same love for the Savior that makes every single day an absolute joy.  the people here are beautiful.  they have one purpose and that is the gospel to the nations.

the meals we are served are often cultural, and at times we eat with our hands and/or scoop courses up with bread.  there are 'squatty potties' in the bathroom, and we are encouraged to only eat with our right hand, as in other countries the left one is their toilet paper.  worship is done in small groups like house churches, as that will be the typical style of services overseas, and often it is done entirely in another language.

i have made many lifetime friends, even in this relatively short amount of time.  we took a roadtrip to Washington DC last weekend...

angela.
  

jenn. heather. melanie. heidi. me. angela. casey.

anna. angela. melanie. me. 

ronnie. angela. brian. me. eric. heidi. grace. heather. eric. jenn. 

the days are filled with learning.  i am reminded every day that i am living not for an earthly kingdom, but His kingdom, and His name.  i have heard story after story of those missionaries who have gone before, their service, and their sacrifice, sometimes even that of their life.  it truly causes one to think deeply about purpose when included in training are instructions on how to correctly fill out a last will and testament.  but even this is put in perspective when i think about His sacrifice.  i was bought with a high price and my life is no longer my own.  it is His. 

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"take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee." 

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the beginning...

"as you sent me into the world, so now i have sent them into the world..."  john 17:18

i write from rockville, virginia.  training has begun for undoubtedly the biggest adventure of my life to date.  a journey has begun with the purpose of taking the gospel to a people who have never had the opportunity to hear the name Jesus. in less than two months, i will be on a plane headed for Southeast Asia to Batangas, Philippines.  

i have very simple goals on this journey.  to love Jesus more every day by living life in His presence, and to bring glory to His holy name with this one small life i have been given.  if this results in what i would deem a 'successful' ministry of many new believers and discipleship that reproduces itself, to God be the glory.  if the Lord sees fit that i see little earthly results of the work He allows me to do for Him, to God be the glory.  that's all it is about anyway. 

i am more thrilled about this journey than words can adequately express.  i have experienced God's presence and His power. He has filled me with such joy and love for others that this new adventure is just a small way of His allowing me to take the overflowing cup in my soul and pour it into the lives of others. 

"Lord, push me, humble me, use me, hurt me, break me, change me, grow me and discipline me for I want your heart, hands, mouth, eyes and feet, that I may serve, honor, obey, trust, love, give, help and heal, all for your plan, purpose, glory, kingdom, and name."

it has begun...

to love them like Jesus.

i can't help but write tonight. 

so many thoughts are running through my head. right now there is no more blessed relief than for them to come pouring out in lined formation and fitting together to form order and escape the jumbled mess of my brain.

let me tell you why.

as we drove over the potholes and mud my eyes widened. before me were formations of plywood, siding, and shingles that barely resembled places suitable for dwelling, but movement from within them shouted otherwise. 16 was the number by which we stopped, and i watched as a woman with a faded blue sweatsuit come out on the random assortment of wood that was her "porch." it had started to rain, but my eyes had turned away from the pitiful sight before me and now streamed with silent tears. i began to shake with sobs.

her name is hazel.  

she has blond hair and fever blisters cover her lips, a sign of sleepless nights due to stress and exhaustion.  her son is eight. they have no phone, and no car. they get food stamps once a month, and cannot even drive to get the groceries they can afford with them. they have been watering down wisk for which to scrub their clothes, and today they ran out of food. 

they live two minutes from my house. 

my world was rocked today. for as i considered that of my home, and my car, my clothes, and my computer, my luxurious life with all of its blessings, i had only one thought. give. not out of my abundance, but of what i have, and out of what will hurt to give.  jesus said to "sell my possessions and give to the poor, to give until it hurt."  only then will they see Jesus in me. only then can i truly obey. i am blessed so that i can bless, not so that i can build storehouses and fill them with worthless things that are passing away. He said to "store up treasures in Heaven, where moth and rust cannot destroy" and "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

i say that He is my treasure, i say that my heart is in His. but i was reminded today of how unbelievably blessed i am, and how very close His heart is with those who do not have.  and so i will give until it hurts.

the church in corinth"... gave according to their means, and beyond their means, of their own accord." 2 cor. 8:3  and they were blessed so they could bless"...you will be enriched in every way, to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God." 2 cor. 9:11

and so the youth group of a small baptist church took their wallets and emptied them tonight. groceries enough for several weeks were bought and when we presented hazel and her son with enough to meet their needs, it was with shaky smiles holding back the emotion we felt.

but there are twenty more homes. twenty more stories.  and twenty more reasons to go back.

Jesus would.

"...i don't need the answers to all of life's questions, i just know that He loves them, and i'll stay by their side.  and love them like Jesus."

amazing grace.

our culture has become saturated with phrases such as...

'me.'   'i deserve.'  'my rights.'  'i own.'  'my life.'  'i want.'  'i.'

the simple problem with this, is the fact that without the God of the universe, who created all, owns all, gives what He wants, and takes when He will, we would not have even the breath within us to say those words.  we make a mistake of astronomical proportions when we make 'us' the center of our world.  for this was never His design.  we commit an atrocity which i would not hesitate to call blaspheme when we worship the "created" instead of the "Creator."  

He is huge.  far beyond that which my small mind can fathom.  in Romans, paul says this about Him, 'for who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been His counselor?  Or who has given a gift to Him that He might be repaid?  for from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.  to Him be glory forever.'  

this is terrifying. 

why?  because at some point every one of us, by some method, have attempted to barter with God to receive from Him.  we have essentially said to God, '...i'll do this for you, if you'll do this for me.'  the problem with this is He owns everything! not only this, but we have taken the very things He has given us for His glory, and used them for ourselves.  we are created to worship Him with every breath we breathe and yet we use the gifts, abilities, resources and time He has given us to further our kingdom instead of His.

this is why the above thoughts of self-love are so devastating to a life.  for what I have come to understand about God has brought me to the conclusion that what i truly deserve is death. my life is completely and totally at the mercy of His plan. and everything i could EVER do that could merit ANYONE'S praise, adoration, or glory, He sees as filthy rags. 

and yet as He looks at my life and its incredible fascination with the things He has created, and knows my every selfish thought and action...He gently, lovingly turns my focus again to Himself.  and He loves me.

this is why grace is so amazing. 

"...feeling small may not be so bad, if in recognizing my smallness i come to realize the wonder of God -- a God who is beyond my ability to fully describe or imagine, yet someone i am privileged to know, love and embrace."

the big picture.

the story of job fascinates me. 

he is blameless and obedient.  satan makes the assumption that job's love for God is based on his blessings from God, so God allows suffering in job's life beyond that which i can fathom. 

God allows satan to take everything from job and with all of his wealth and family gone, oozing sores covering his body, scraping them with broken pottery, and in the greatest physical agony and emotional pain of his life...

he worships.

in essence his response in this moment to God was this. 'i don't understand what you're doing. i'm utterly confused, totally broken, and in more pain than I thought a human being could experience. but God, what i understand about You, is that Your character, Your goodness, and Your sovereignty have NOT changed.  and so I will worship.'

God never told job why he was tested in this way.  never once did he let job know that satan had questioned job's motives for his worship. in fact, his response to job's questions was not any explanation at all. instead, God responds to job with, 'this is how big I am. job you were not there when I created the world, you were not there when I told the ocean it could only come this far. you will NOT understand why these things have happened in your life. but why is understanding so important? all you need to know is that I am God.  I am huge.  I am on my throne and i am good.'

job's response?...'now i have seen you, and in seeing you i realize just how small and unworthy i am. i despise myself and repent.'

job couldn't see the big picture.  he did not know that his life would be recorded and his worship would be found astounding by thousands who would read his story.  he did not know in his conversation with God that it was in fact satan who was found in defeat as a result of his response to this test. and though he could not see, still he was found faithful.

i cannot see the big picture. He's up to something bigger than me.  larger than life. i cannot see what God is doing or how he is working.  and so when the day comes that i do not understand. a day when everything is taken.  a day filled with unspeakable pain beyond that which i think i can physically bear...i will worship.

NOT because i understand why. NOT because i ever will.

but because He's worthy.

a beautiful death.

to die to live.

a curious concept. deny yourself. take up your cross. follow me.  Jesus' request is that we die up front, because only then can we truly live. someone who is dead worries about nothing. one who has no life does not have thoughts about food, clothing, lodging, or relationships. there is nothing to clutter the mind, alter the focus, or sway the heart. to die is the ultimate freedom. death is a picture of absolute finality.

abundant life is found only when all else fades in importance to Christ. He came that we might have life, and then promptly asked us to die. in His knowledge of humanity, He understood something about us that I believe few truly grasp, and that is the peace and unexplainable joy that comes from dying to ourselves. He knew that to die, was to experience life.  

"oh to behold the glory of Christ. here i live, and here i will die. here i will dwell and my thoughts and my affections, until all things here below become as dead, and are no longer calling out for my affection and embrace."  (john owen)

"how sweet all at once it is for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which i had once feared to lose.  you drove them from me, you who are the true and sovereign joy, you drove them from me and took their place, you who are sweeter than all pleasure."  (augustine) 

to die to live.

the concept is simple really. it comes down to possessing nothing but Christ. finding Him as the source of all pleasure, and all delight. realizing this world is not my home, and with that realization, finding no thing of significance or worth inside it more enjoyable or more satisfying that Him. it is the overwhelming urge to see His face, and the knowledge that death is the only door by which this is possible. so death is sweet. gain i think paul called it. 

i've found Him. and i have found everything. He is my treasure. this world and all that it holds cannot compare to what i have found in His presence. He has the entirety of my heart, the focus of my mind, and the deepest corners of my soul. i will live every minute for His purpose and His glory. i cannot wait to see Him.  i am willing to suffer for His sake, or even to die. 

for i already have. 

"...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."  matthew 16:25

fixed.

this world hurts so deeply. the faces i see are filled with a longing they cannot understand. a longing to fill a place they cannot find. a place that if filled, would forever change the state of their lives. this world runs about with goals that when met bring about no satisfaction. dreams that when fulfilled bring about a temporary satisfaction that never quite touches their soul. this world attempts to fill their lives with possessions and prizes, spending money they do not possess, and precious time not their own. homes are in shambles. 

living in this world has a tendency to frighten me with its utter seeming hopelessness. then He reminds me that He is the creator of the world that hurts so deeply. He sees the faces that are filled with a longing they cannot understand and tells them it can only be filled by Him.  He knows He can forever change the state of their lives if they will allow it.  only He can bring satisfaction that no self-met goal can provide. only He can allow dreams too big for human hands, to grow and become reality. the possessions and prizes that cannot be afforded are of no value whatsoever when compared to knowing Him. and so the world could know Him, He died. 

so i am not afraid. instead i am filled with urgency. i only have one, very small life. the longing of my heart has been eternally satisfied by the same One who created it.  He has forever changed the state of my life. no possession, no prize, and no person holds more value in my heart than He. and all that i am and all that i have, have been given to the One who gave it for His purpose, His kingdom, and His glory. i have but one objective, and that is the world.  i have found no other venture as worthy, no other calling as sweet, and no other purpose as Holy. 

for this i pray.  for this i run.  for this i live.  for this i will die. 

my heart is fixed.