surrender.

i'm standing in the middle of a whirlwind.
and it's a scary.
and uncertain.
but my footing is firm.

my hands are lifted in the air.
and they are open.
holding nothing.

my eyes are closed.
in simple trust.

i am not big enough.
for this.
i do not know why He asked me.
but i'm honored.
the whirlwind doesn't make sense.
and didn't come at a convenient time.

but it's beautiful.
and i want to stay.

restless.

my heart is restless.
it's an every day battle.
right now.
to be quietly content.

i want Him to talk to me.
in a new way.
i've stopped to listen.
for the first time
in a while.

this world He has placed me in.
is filled
with opportunity.
incredible people.
love.
beauty.

makes me restless.

wanting to make the most of
every
single
moment.

but feeling as though
i am sitting.
wasting them.
actually.

it's because of me.
see.
i get in the way.
of Him.

i think i know what will satisfy.
myself.
what will make me feel fulfilled.
but i don't.
i don't know the first thing about me.

that's why trusting.
and then following.
are a must right now.

He knows me.
know what puts me in my element.
makes my heart thrive.
and sing.

and where i feel used.
and in turn,
content.

so i want Him to take me there.
do it.

whatever it takes.
i want Him to do in my heart and my life.
too take me there.

i want Him.
all of Him.

only He,
can make my heart rest.

sometimes.

sometimes.
life hurts.
somtimes.
it gets all out of focus like I'm looking through one of those kaleidoscopes.
and takes more than just the twist of a hand.
to clear the blurr.

sometimes.
life is simple.
seemingly carefree.
and fun.

somtimes.
it feels as though there is not one.
easy.
answer.
to be found.
upside down is normal.
and underwater it is easier to breathe.

sometimes.
there is contentment.
somtimes.
such an intense longing for something other than
the way life is.
rises up.
and makes me restless.

like now.

now i want more.
more of You.
more of life.
more of love.

it's not that i'm not blessed beyond measure.
it's not that i don't think this is
exactly.
where i am supposed to be.

for now.

but i long for more.
i want you to teach me.
during this time.
don't let me waste this longing.

but bring me through it in a hurry.
cause Jesus?

it hurts.
somtimes.

enough.

"...to pursue after Christ does not narrow one's life, but brings it rather to the level of highest possible fulfillment." a.w. tozer

this statement has become so real in my life as of late. sometimes i believe that we, even as christians, have a mindset of 'to follow Christ will require sacrifice, and therefore become mundane, and even difficult.' this is so far from the truth. to follow hard after our creator is what we were made for. to pursue with passion His plan, and His dreams, is the only possible hope of finding pure joy and contentment.

we are in a culture saturated with 'me.' this makes the mindset of 'Him' difficult to understand. because we are handed everything we could ever want or need, we find the ideas of 'pursuing after righteousness,' or even 'being set apart,' a discipline that just seems either too time consuming, or requires too much effort to be worth it. if we could only grasp how truly amazing life could be when lived for Him!

the practice of living life in His holy presense has become the overwhelming desire of my life. i want to look like Him. i want to love like Him. i want to be so saturated with His presence, so completely consumed with Him, that nothing else matters.

i want to be able to say, if everything i loved was gone tomorrow...He would be enough.

desperation.

i've been given so much.
blessed abundantly.
actually.

so much so.
that my 'need' for God.
is placed on the top shelf.
something i will pull down later.
when something has been taken.

this is wrong.

i want God.
i pursue after Him.
desire to be like Him.
cry out to be close to Him.

but do i act as if i need Him?
do i live a life that is
desperate
for
Him?

i live in a place called america.
God has blessed this place.
so much.

too much.

my fear is that because we are too blessed.
we are living lives that look nothing like
people in need.

and so we 'love' God.
because we are blessed.
and because we need someone to attribute those blessings to.

but do we cry out for Him?
are we so desperate for His presence
we can't live without Him?

can we be truly broken.
if we think everything can be easily fixed?

is it enough?

i sometimes get overwhelmed.
and wonder if i am doing enough.
i think about it a lot, actually.

this year i have been put in charge of sixty-eight people.
sixty-eight beautiful, impressionable girls.
have i done enough to show them how much they are loved?
have i done enough to show each and every one of them how much He loves them?
will any one of them leave not knowing that they are treasured beyond measure?

right now i am feeling the burden of this responsibility.
i am feeling the weight that my position carries, and i am feeling very inadequate.
and very overwhelmed.

i have a sort of 'savior complex.'
i feel as though each and every one of my girls need me to rescue them.
every time they're hurting.
or stressed.
or frustrated.

and that mindset is utterly exhausting.

it's then I remember something.
He has not called me to be superwoman.
He has not called me to be a savior.

He has only called me to be faithful.

i am only responsible to love Him with all my heart.
to show His love with everyone i come in contact with.
and to be selfless.

i can rest in that.
and know that when i am not enough.

He is.



"i am the vine, you are the branches; if you abide in me, and i in you...you will bear much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."

love doesn't age.

so i went to wal-mart today.
by myself.
i had a really big list of things to buy.
so big i needed a cart.
and that's unusual.

i passed an old man.
his belt was pulled up above his wasteline.
revealing his knee high socks and worn black sneakers.
his baseball cap sat high on his head,
as if to not muss the hair that used to grow much thicker.

he was with his wife.
his sweetheart.

she wore a flower patterned sundress.
that looked as if it'd seen better days.
hunched over the cart.
her grey hair curling around her forhead.
and her eyes squinting to read her
carefully printed grocery list.

they talked softly to each other.
he must have said something funny.
because she giggled.
and smiled up at him.

as they shuffled down the row of
green beans
and corn.

together.

i realized
something.

love doesn't age.

"true love is eternal, infinite, equal, and pure, it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart."