desperation.

i've been given so much.
blessed abundantly.
actually.

so much so.
that my 'need' for God.
is placed on the top shelf.
something i will pull down later.
when something has been taken.

this is wrong.

i want God.
i pursue after Him.
desire to be like Him.
cry out to be close to Him.

but do i act as if i need Him?
do i live a life that is
desperate
for
Him?

i live in a place called america.
God has blessed this place.
so much.

too much.

my fear is that because we are too blessed.
we are living lives that look nothing like
people in need.

and so we 'love' God.
because we are blessed.
and because we need someone to attribute those blessings to.

but do we cry out for Him?
are we so desperate for His presence
we can't live without Him?

can we be truly broken.
if we think everything can be easily fixed?

is it enough?

i sometimes get overwhelmed.
and wonder if i am doing enough.
i think about it a lot, actually.

this year i have been put in charge of sixty-eight people.
sixty-eight beautiful, impressionable girls.
have i done enough to show them how much they are loved?
have i done enough to show each and every one of them how much He loves them?
will any one of them leave not knowing that they are treasured beyond measure?

right now i am feeling the burden of this responsibility.
i am feeling the weight that my position carries, and i am feeling very inadequate.
and very overwhelmed.

i have a sort of 'savior complex.'
i feel as though each and every one of my girls need me to rescue them.
every time they're hurting.
or stressed.
or frustrated.

and that mindset is utterly exhausting.

it's then I remember something.
He has not called me to be superwoman.
He has not called me to be a savior.

He has only called me to be faithful.

i am only responsible to love Him with all my heart.
to show His love with everyone i come in contact with.
and to be selfless.

i can rest in that.
and know that when i am not enough.

He is.



"i am the vine, you are the branches; if you abide in me, and i in you...you will bear much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."

love doesn't age.

so i went to wal-mart today.
by myself.
i had a really big list of things to buy.
so big i needed a cart.
and that's unusual.

i passed an old man.
his belt was pulled up above his wasteline.
revealing his knee high socks and worn black sneakers.
his baseball cap sat high on his head,
as if to not muss the hair that used to grow much thicker.

he was with his wife.
his sweetheart.

she wore a flower patterned sundress.
that looked as if it'd seen better days.
hunched over the cart.
her grey hair curling around her forhead.
and her eyes squinting to read her
carefully printed grocery list.

they talked softly to each other.
he must have said something funny.
because she giggled.
and smiled up at him.

as they shuffled down the row of
green beans
and corn.

together.

i realized
something.

love doesn't age.

"true love is eternal, infinite, equal, and pure, it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart."

whatever it takes.

what does it take.
to be broken.
the place where "i" don't exist.
and You do.

what does it look like.
to be wholly Yours.
what must i give up.
how must i hurt.

i'm willing.
whatever it takes.

if you have to break my heart.
if you must take what i love.

i want to need You.

i'm learning that to seek after You.
doesn't narrow my life.
but brings it rather.
to the level of
highest
possible
fulfillment.

but i want to do more than find You.
i want to need You.

i want to get to the place.
where i can't go on without You.

because it is in that place.
that i realize who You are.

and it is then.
that i truly love You.

"as the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee. You alone, are my heart's desire, and i long to worship Thee."

a full heart.

i can't explain my joy.
no words ever created.
suffice at this moment.

i feel as though.
my heart is a little bowl.
all filled up.

it's so full it keeps spilling.
but somehow stays right at the brim.
i want to stay like this forever.

totally content.

it's because i've made Him my all.
somehow giving up.
i gain everything.

"the woman who has God as her treasure has all things in One. many ordinary treasures may be denied her, or if she is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to her happiness. or if she must see them go, one after one, she will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the source of all things she has in one all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. whatever she may lose she has actually lost nothing, for she now has it all in One, and she has it purely, legitimately, and forever."

that's me.

why the mask?

transparency.

real.
open.
honest.

the gut-level kind.

that's what we're missing.
that's what we need.

i look around and see happy plastic people.
with walls to hide our weakness.
and smiles to hide our pain.

would that we were more like Jesus.
brutally honest.
and tell-it-like-it-is christians.
with love.

it has to be balanced with love.
that's the way He did it.
and people listened.
and were healed.
not just their bodies.
but their hearts.

we have a lot of broken hearts.
hidden by smiles.

we all hurt.
pain is not a new development.
and the wisest man that ever lived
said that there is nothing new under the sun.
in other words.
we all experience the exact same things.
in different forms.
at different times.
with different people.

but the same.

so why do we bury it all inside.
as if we are the only ones that sin.
or hurt.
or make a mess of our lives.
or cry.

would it set you free.
if you dared to let me see.
the truth behind the person.
i imagine you to be?

i wish for once when i asked someone how they are.
they would just tell me the truth.

beautiful grace.

my prayer.

i write this with a broken heart. i don’t understand why I do the things i know hurt You the greatest. i need you. i want to hate sin like you do. i don’t understand why my flesh wars so much. all i want to do in this life is bring people to You, and draw more in love with You every day, and it seems like the thing i do is hurt those i love, and end up hurting our relationship so deeply it is without repair. why?

i know why. i understand that it’s selfishness. what i don’t understand is why i don’t learn from my mistakes. Why I don’t see the pain it causes you and run from it when it is in front of me.

instead i embrace it. i run to it. over and over i hurt the most precious relationship i will ever experience, and over and over, i am heartbroken.

i understand that your grace is enough. i understand that you paid the price once. i even understand that all i have to do is come and ask for your forgiveness and you are ready.

but I’m not.

i'm not ready to be forgiven. i feel as though there is more that i should have to do to pay for what i have done. i feel as though the hurt i have caused you needs more than just an “i’m sorry.” i can’t grasp the fact that all you desire is a change of heart.

but there you stand. arms open wide. tears streaming down your face. the pain i have caused you is evident by the pain in your eyes, and yet there you stand. waiting for me. i cannot even bear to meet your eyes, the pain and shame i feel are too great. and yet, when i am unable to look upon you, you take me in your arms and begin to sob. your tears begin to soak my filthy clothes, proof of the depth of sorrow you are feeling on my behalf. i lift my eyes to yours and mouth the words “i’m sorry.”

it’s enough.