desperation.

i've been given so much.
blessed abundantly.
actually.

so much so.
that my 'need' for God.
is placed on the top shelf.
something i will pull down later.
when something has been taken.

this is wrong.

i want God.
i pursue after Him.
desire to be like Him.
cry out to be close to Him.

but do i act as if i need Him?
do i live a life that is
desperate
for
Him?

i live in a place called america.
God has blessed this place.
so much.

too much.

my fear is that because we are too blessed.
we are living lives that look nothing like
people in need.

and so we 'love' God.
because we are blessed.
and because we need someone to attribute those blessings to.

but do we cry out for Him?
are we so desperate for His presence
we can't live without Him?

can we be truly broken.
if we think everything can be easily fixed?

is it enough?

i sometimes get overwhelmed.
and wonder if i am doing enough.
i think about it a lot, actually.

this year i have been put in charge of sixty-eight people.
sixty-eight beautiful, impressionable girls.
have i done enough to show them how much they are loved?
have i done enough to show each and every one of them how much He loves them?
will any one of them leave not knowing that they are treasured beyond measure?

right now i am feeling the burden of this responsibility.
i am feeling the weight that my position carries, and i am feeling very inadequate.
and very overwhelmed.

i have a sort of 'savior complex.'
i feel as though each and every one of my girls need me to rescue them.
every time they're hurting.
or stressed.
or frustrated.

and that mindset is utterly exhausting.

it's then I remember something.
He has not called me to be superwoman.
He has not called me to be a savior.

He has only called me to be faithful.

i am only responsible to love Him with all my heart.
to show His love with everyone i come in contact with.
and to be selfless.

i can rest in that.
and know that when i am not enough.

He is.



"i am the vine, you are the branches; if you abide in me, and i in you...you will bear much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."