fixed.

this world hurts so deeply. the faces i see are filled with a longing they cannot understand. a longing to fill a place they cannot find. a place that if filled, would forever change the state of their lives. this world runs about with goals that when met bring about no satisfaction. dreams that when fulfilled bring about a temporary satisfaction that never quite touches their soul. this world attempts to fill their lives with possessions and prizes, spending money they do not possess, and precious time not their own. homes are in shambles. 

living in this world has a tendency to frighten me with its utter seeming hopelessness. then He reminds me that He is the creator of the world that hurts so deeply. He sees the faces that are filled with a longing they cannot understand and tells them it can only be filled by Him.  He knows He can forever change the state of their lives if they will allow it.  only He can bring satisfaction that no self-met goal can provide. only He can allow dreams too big for human hands, to grow and become reality. the possessions and prizes that cannot be afforded are of no value whatsoever when compared to knowing Him. and so the world could know Him, He died. 

so i am not afraid. instead i am filled with urgency. i only have one, very small life. the longing of my heart has been eternally satisfied by the same One who created it.  He has forever changed the state of my life. no possession, no prize, and no person holds more value in my heart than He. and all that i am and all that i have, have been given to the One who gave it for His purpose, His kingdom, and His glory. i have but one objective, and that is the world.  i have found no other venture as worthy, no other calling as sweet, and no other purpose as Holy. 

for this i pray.  for this i run.  for this i live.  for this i will die. 

my heart is fixed.

waiting.

heard this song the other day
can't get it off my heart.
being patient is an every day battle.
waiting is painful right now.
but i will serve Him.
even in the waiting.

waiting.
i'm waiting
i'm waiting on You, Lord
and i am hopeful
i'm waiting on You, Lord

though it is painful
but patiently, i will wait
i will move ahead,
bold and confident
taking every step in obedience

while i’m waiting
i will serve You
while i’m waiting
i will worship
while i’m waiting
i will not faint
i’ll be running the race
even while i wait

i’m waiting
i’m waiting on You, Lord
and i am peaceful
i’m waiting on You, Lord
though it’s not easy
but faithfully, i will wait
yes, i will wait

'...be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.' ps. 37:7
'...my soul waits for the Lord. in His Word i put my hope.' ps.130:5
'...but i have stilled and quieted my soul.' ps. 131:2
'...but my eyes are fixed on You.' ps. 141:8
'...show me the way i should go, for to You i lift up my soul.' ps. 143:8

ready.

i don't know the full extent
of what He's doing.
but i'm ready for it.

i need Him so much right now.
need Him.
want Him.
trust Him.
love Him.

i can't wait for Him
to change my world.
to do big things.

i've given myself completely to Him.
and i don't want myself back.

i want to lose all for His sake.
to have nothing to depend on but His name.

i want nothing but Him.
forever.

i want Him to do things too big for me.
so everyone knows it's Him.

i'm ready.
i'm willing.
i'm anxious.
i'm patient.
i'm hurting.
i'm hoping.
i'm trusting.
i'm terrified.
i'm His.


"but whatever gain i had, i count as loss for the sake of Christ. indeed, i count everything as loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. for His sake i have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that i may gain Christ and be found in Him."

consumed.

i have no words.
for what is happening.
in my heart.

though words have never done justice.
this time they are just
completely
inadequate.

there is a physical weight on my heart.
a pressure.
makes it hard to breathe
sometimes.

it can only be described as an
all
consuming
love.
for my Jesus.

and an
all
consuming
desperation
for people to know Him.

the pressure will not subside.
it threatens to
overwhelm me.
consume me.
transform me.

we are in a state of emergency.


my life is a vapor.
it will be gone soon.
and i have no time to waste.
and so i lay awake at night.

wanting to go.
and love.
and serve.

to make the most
of every conversation
every day.
every moment.

there is an intensity
that burns greater
than
ever
before.

and it won't go away.

and i don't want it to.

"let me catch a fiery passion to do your will. my goal is this alone. my heart is fixed. let me not turn. consume my affection and let your love burn deeply. give me power to remain prostrate at your pierced feet. there is no other place i'd rather be."

surrender.

i'm standing in the middle of a whirlwind.
and it's a scary.
and uncertain.
but my footing is firm.

my hands are lifted in the air.
and they are open.
holding nothing.

my eyes are closed.
in simple trust.

i am not big enough.
for this.
i do not know why He asked me.
but i'm honored.
the whirlwind doesn't make sense.
and didn't come at a convenient time.

but it's beautiful.
and i want to stay.

restless.

my heart is restless.
it's an every day battle.
right now.
to be quietly content.

i want Him to talk to me.
in a new way.
i've stopped to listen.
for the first time
in a while.

this world He has placed me in.
is filled
with opportunity.
incredible people.
love.
beauty.

makes me restless.

wanting to make the most of
every
single
moment.

but feeling as though
i am sitting.
wasting them.
actually.

it's because of me.
see.
i get in the way.
of Him.

i think i know what will satisfy.
myself.
what will make me feel fulfilled.
but i don't.
i don't know the first thing about me.

that's why trusting.
and then following.
are a must right now.

He knows me.
know what puts me in my element.
makes my heart thrive.
and sing.

and where i feel used.
and in turn,
content.

so i want Him to take me there.
do it.

whatever it takes.
i want Him to do in my heart and my life.
too take me there.

i want Him.
all of Him.

only He,
can make my heart rest.

sometimes.

sometimes.
life hurts.
somtimes.
it gets all out of focus like I'm looking through one of those kaleidoscopes.
and takes more than just the twist of a hand.
to clear the blurr.

sometimes.
life is simple.
seemingly carefree.
and fun.

somtimes.
it feels as though there is not one.
easy.
answer.
to be found.
upside down is normal.
and underwater it is easier to breathe.

sometimes.
there is contentment.
somtimes.
such an intense longing for something other than
the way life is.
rises up.
and makes me restless.

like now.

now i want more.
more of You.
more of life.
more of love.

it's not that i'm not blessed beyond measure.
it's not that i don't think this is
exactly.
where i am supposed to be.

for now.

but i long for more.
i want you to teach me.
during this time.
don't let me waste this longing.

but bring me through it in a hurry.
cause Jesus?

it hurts.
somtimes.