to love them like Jesus.

i can't help but write tonight. 

so many thoughts are running through my head. right now there is no more blessed relief than for them to come pouring out in lined formation and fitting together to form order and escape the jumbled mess of my brain.

let me tell you why.

as we drove over the potholes and mud my eyes widened. before me were formations of plywood, siding, and shingles that barely resembled places suitable for dwelling, but movement from within them shouted otherwise. 16 was the number by which we stopped, and i watched as a woman with a faded blue sweatsuit come out on the random assortment of wood that was her "porch." it had started to rain, but my eyes had turned away from the pitiful sight before me and now streamed with silent tears. i began to shake with sobs.

her name is hazel.  

she has blond hair and fever blisters cover her lips, a sign of sleepless nights due to stress and exhaustion.  her son is eight. they have no phone, and no car. they get food stamps once a month, and cannot even drive to get the groceries they can afford with them. they have been watering down wisk for which to scrub their clothes, and today they ran out of food. 

they live two minutes from my house. 

my world was rocked today. for as i considered that of my home, and my car, my clothes, and my computer, my luxurious life with all of its blessings, i had only one thought. give. not out of my abundance, but of what i have, and out of what will hurt to give.  jesus said to "sell my possessions and give to the poor, to give until it hurt."  only then will they see Jesus in me. only then can i truly obey. i am blessed so that i can bless, not so that i can build storehouses and fill them with worthless things that are passing away. He said to "store up treasures in Heaven, where moth and rust cannot destroy" and "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

i say that He is my treasure, i say that my heart is in His. but i was reminded today of how unbelievably blessed i am, and how very close His heart is with those who do not have.  and so i will give until it hurts.

the church in corinth"... gave according to their means, and beyond their means, of their own accord." 2 cor. 8:3  and they were blessed so they could bless"...you will be enriched in every way, to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God." 2 cor. 9:11

and so the youth group of a small baptist church took their wallets and emptied them tonight. groceries enough for several weeks were bought and when we presented hazel and her son with enough to meet their needs, it was with shaky smiles holding back the emotion we felt.

but there are twenty more homes. twenty more stories.  and twenty more reasons to go back.

Jesus would.

"...i don't need the answers to all of life's questions, i just know that He loves them, and i'll stay by their side.  and love them like Jesus."

amazing grace.

our culture has become saturated with phrases such as...

'me.'   'i deserve.'  'my rights.'  'i own.'  'my life.'  'i want.'  'i.'

the simple problem with this, is the fact that without the God of the universe, who created all, owns all, gives what He wants, and takes when He will, we would not have even the breath within us to say those words.  we make a mistake of astronomical proportions when we make 'us' the center of our world.  for this was never His design.  we commit an atrocity which i would not hesitate to call blaspheme when we worship the "created" instead of the "Creator."  

He is huge.  far beyond that which my small mind can fathom.  in Romans, paul says this about Him, 'for who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been His counselor?  Or who has given a gift to Him that He might be repaid?  for from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.  to Him be glory forever.'  

this is terrifying. 

why?  because at some point every one of us, by some method, have attempted to barter with God to receive from Him.  we have essentially said to God, '...i'll do this for you, if you'll do this for me.'  the problem with this is He owns everything! not only this, but we have taken the very things He has given us for His glory, and used them for ourselves.  we are created to worship Him with every breath we breathe and yet we use the gifts, abilities, resources and time He has given us to further our kingdom instead of His.

this is why the above thoughts of self-love are so devastating to a life.  for what I have come to understand about God has brought me to the conclusion that what i truly deserve is death. my life is completely and totally at the mercy of His plan. and everything i could EVER do that could merit ANYONE'S praise, adoration, or glory, He sees as filthy rags. 

and yet as He looks at my life and its incredible fascination with the things He has created, and knows my every selfish thought and action...He gently, lovingly turns my focus again to Himself.  and He loves me.

this is why grace is so amazing. 

"...feeling small may not be so bad, if in recognizing my smallness i come to realize the wonder of God -- a God who is beyond my ability to fully describe or imagine, yet someone i am privileged to know, love and embrace."