a time to prepare.

this place, this time in my life, has far exceeded my expectations.  there's something about being in a community filled with people of the same heart, the same mind, and the same love for the Savior that makes every single day an absolute joy.  the people here are beautiful.  they have one purpose and that is the gospel to the nations.

the meals we are served are often cultural, and at times we eat with our hands and/or scoop courses up with bread.  there are 'squatty potties' in the bathroom, and we are encouraged to only eat with our right hand, as in other countries the left one is their toilet paper.  worship is done in small groups like house churches, as that will be the typical style of services overseas, and often it is done entirely in another language.

i have made many lifetime friends, even in this relatively short amount of time.  we took a roadtrip to Washington DC last weekend...

angela.
  

jenn. heather. melanie. heidi. me. angela. casey.

anna. angela. melanie. me. 

ronnie. angela. brian. me. eric. heidi. grace. heather. eric. jenn. 

the days are filled with learning.  i am reminded every day that i am living not for an earthly kingdom, but His kingdom, and His name.  i have heard story after story of those missionaries who have gone before, their service, and their sacrifice, sometimes even that of their life.  it truly causes one to think deeply about purpose when included in training are instructions on how to correctly fill out a last will and testament.  but even this is put in perspective when i think about His sacrifice.  i was bought with a high price and my life is no longer my own.  it is His. 

_______________________________________________

"take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee." 

_______________________________________________

the beginning...

"as you sent me into the world, so now i have sent them into the world..."  john 17:18

i write from rockville, virginia.  training has begun for undoubtedly the biggest adventure of my life to date.  a journey has begun with the purpose of taking the gospel to a people who have never had the opportunity to hear the name Jesus. in less than two months, i will be on a plane headed for Southeast Asia to Batangas, Philippines.  

i have very simple goals on this journey.  to love Jesus more every day by living life in His presence, and to bring glory to His holy name with this one small life i have been given.  if this results in what i would deem a 'successful' ministry of many new believers and discipleship that reproduces itself, to God be the glory.  if the Lord sees fit that i see little earthly results of the work He allows me to do for Him, to God be the glory.  that's all it is about anyway. 

i am more thrilled about this journey than words can adequately express.  i have experienced God's presence and His power. He has filled me with such joy and love for others that this new adventure is just a small way of His allowing me to take the overflowing cup in my soul and pour it into the lives of others. 

"Lord, push me, humble me, use me, hurt me, break me, change me, grow me and discipline me for I want your heart, hands, mouth, eyes and feet, that I may serve, honor, obey, trust, love, give, help and heal, all for your plan, purpose, glory, kingdom, and name."

it has begun...

to love them like Jesus.

i can't help but write tonight. 

so many thoughts are running through my head. right now there is no more blessed relief than for them to come pouring out in lined formation and fitting together to form order and escape the jumbled mess of my brain.

let me tell you why.

as we drove over the potholes and mud my eyes widened. before me were formations of plywood, siding, and shingles that barely resembled places suitable for dwelling, but movement from within them shouted otherwise. 16 was the number by which we stopped, and i watched as a woman with a faded blue sweatsuit come out on the random assortment of wood that was her "porch." it had started to rain, but my eyes had turned away from the pitiful sight before me and now streamed with silent tears. i began to shake with sobs.

her name is hazel.  

she has blond hair and fever blisters cover her lips, a sign of sleepless nights due to stress and exhaustion.  her son is eight. they have no phone, and no car. they get food stamps once a month, and cannot even drive to get the groceries they can afford with them. they have been watering down wisk for which to scrub their clothes, and today they ran out of food. 

they live two minutes from my house. 

my world was rocked today. for as i considered that of my home, and my car, my clothes, and my computer, my luxurious life with all of its blessings, i had only one thought. give. not out of my abundance, but of what i have, and out of what will hurt to give.  jesus said to "sell my possessions and give to the poor, to give until it hurt."  only then will they see Jesus in me. only then can i truly obey. i am blessed so that i can bless, not so that i can build storehouses and fill them with worthless things that are passing away. He said to "store up treasures in Heaven, where moth and rust cannot destroy" and "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

i say that He is my treasure, i say that my heart is in His. but i was reminded today of how unbelievably blessed i am, and how very close His heart is with those who do not have.  and so i will give until it hurts.

the church in corinth"... gave according to their means, and beyond their means, of their own accord." 2 cor. 8:3  and they were blessed so they could bless"...you will be enriched in every way, to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God." 2 cor. 9:11

and so the youth group of a small baptist church took their wallets and emptied them tonight. groceries enough for several weeks were bought and when we presented hazel and her son with enough to meet their needs, it was with shaky smiles holding back the emotion we felt.

but there are twenty more homes. twenty more stories.  and twenty more reasons to go back.

Jesus would.

"...i don't need the answers to all of life's questions, i just know that He loves them, and i'll stay by their side.  and love them like Jesus."

amazing grace.

our culture has become saturated with phrases such as...

'me.'   'i deserve.'  'my rights.'  'i own.'  'my life.'  'i want.'  'i.'

the simple problem with this, is the fact that without the God of the universe, who created all, owns all, gives what He wants, and takes when He will, we would not have even the breath within us to say those words.  we make a mistake of astronomical proportions when we make 'us' the center of our world.  for this was never His design.  we commit an atrocity which i would not hesitate to call blaspheme when we worship the "created" instead of the "Creator."  

He is huge.  far beyond that which my small mind can fathom.  in Romans, paul says this about Him, 'for who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been His counselor?  Or who has given a gift to Him that He might be repaid?  for from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.  to Him be glory forever.'  

this is terrifying. 

why?  because at some point every one of us, by some method, have attempted to barter with God to receive from Him.  we have essentially said to God, '...i'll do this for you, if you'll do this for me.'  the problem with this is He owns everything! not only this, but we have taken the very things He has given us for His glory, and used them for ourselves.  we are created to worship Him with every breath we breathe and yet we use the gifts, abilities, resources and time He has given us to further our kingdom instead of His.

this is why the above thoughts of self-love are so devastating to a life.  for what I have come to understand about God has brought me to the conclusion that what i truly deserve is death. my life is completely and totally at the mercy of His plan. and everything i could EVER do that could merit ANYONE'S praise, adoration, or glory, He sees as filthy rags. 

and yet as He looks at my life and its incredible fascination with the things He has created, and knows my every selfish thought and action...He gently, lovingly turns my focus again to Himself.  and He loves me.

this is why grace is so amazing. 

"...feeling small may not be so bad, if in recognizing my smallness i come to realize the wonder of God -- a God who is beyond my ability to fully describe or imagine, yet someone i am privileged to know, love and embrace."

the big picture.

the story of job fascinates me. 

he is blameless and obedient.  satan makes the assumption that job's love for God is based on his blessings from God, so God allows suffering in job's life beyond that which i can fathom. 

God allows satan to take everything from job and with all of his wealth and family gone, oozing sores covering his body, scraping them with broken pottery, and in the greatest physical agony and emotional pain of his life...

he worships.

in essence his response in this moment to God was this. 'i don't understand what you're doing. i'm utterly confused, totally broken, and in more pain than I thought a human being could experience. but God, what i understand about You, is that Your character, Your goodness, and Your sovereignty have NOT changed.  and so I will worship.'

God never told job why he was tested in this way.  never once did he let job know that satan had questioned job's motives for his worship. in fact, his response to job's questions was not any explanation at all. instead, God responds to job with, 'this is how big I am. job you were not there when I created the world, you were not there when I told the ocean it could only come this far. you will NOT understand why these things have happened in your life. but why is understanding so important? all you need to know is that I am God.  I am huge.  I am on my throne and i am good.'

job's response?...'now i have seen you, and in seeing you i realize just how small and unworthy i am. i despise myself and repent.'

job couldn't see the big picture.  he did not know that his life would be recorded and his worship would be found astounding by thousands who would read his story.  he did not know in his conversation with God that it was in fact satan who was found in defeat as a result of his response to this test. and though he could not see, still he was found faithful.

i cannot see the big picture. He's up to something bigger than me.  larger than life. i cannot see what God is doing or how he is working.  and so when the day comes that i do not understand. a day when everything is taken.  a day filled with unspeakable pain beyond that which i think i can physically bear...i will worship.

NOT because i understand why. NOT because i ever will.

but because He's worthy.

a beautiful death.

to die to live.

a curious concept. deny yourself. take up your cross. follow me.  Jesus' request is that we die up front, because only then can we truly live. someone who is dead worries about nothing. one who has no life does not have thoughts about food, clothing, lodging, or relationships. there is nothing to clutter the mind, alter the focus, or sway the heart. to die is the ultimate freedom. death is a picture of absolute finality.

abundant life is found only when all else fades in importance to Christ. He came that we might have life, and then promptly asked us to die. in His knowledge of humanity, He understood something about us that I believe few truly grasp, and that is the peace and unexplainable joy that comes from dying to ourselves. He knew that to die, was to experience life.  

"oh to behold the glory of Christ. here i live, and here i will die. here i will dwell and my thoughts and my affections, until all things here below become as dead, and are no longer calling out for my affection and embrace."  (john owen)

"how sweet all at once it is for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which i had once feared to lose.  you drove them from me, you who are the true and sovereign joy, you drove them from me and took their place, you who are sweeter than all pleasure."  (augustine) 

to die to live.

the concept is simple really. it comes down to possessing nothing but Christ. finding Him as the source of all pleasure, and all delight. realizing this world is not my home, and with that realization, finding no thing of significance or worth inside it more enjoyable or more satisfying that Him. it is the overwhelming urge to see His face, and the knowledge that death is the only door by which this is possible. so death is sweet. gain i think paul called it. 

i've found Him. and i have found everything. He is my treasure. this world and all that it holds cannot compare to what i have found in His presence. He has the entirety of my heart, the focus of my mind, and the deepest corners of my soul. i will live every minute for His purpose and His glory. i cannot wait to see Him.  i am willing to suffer for His sake, or even to die. 

for i already have. 

"...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."  matthew 16:25

fixed.

this world hurts so deeply. the faces i see are filled with a longing they cannot understand. a longing to fill a place they cannot find. a place that if filled, would forever change the state of their lives. this world runs about with goals that when met bring about no satisfaction. dreams that when fulfilled bring about a temporary satisfaction that never quite touches their soul. this world attempts to fill their lives with possessions and prizes, spending money they do not possess, and precious time not their own. homes are in shambles. 

living in this world has a tendency to frighten me with its utter seeming hopelessness. then He reminds me that He is the creator of the world that hurts so deeply. He sees the faces that are filled with a longing they cannot understand and tells them it can only be filled by Him.  He knows He can forever change the state of their lives if they will allow it.  only He can bring satisfaction that no self-met goal can provide. only He can allow dreams too big for human hands, to grow and become reality. the possessions and prizes that cannot be afforded are of no value whatsoever when compared to knowing Him. and so the world could know Him, He died. 

so i am not afraid. instead i am filled with urgency. i only have one, very small life. the longing of my heart has been eternally satisfied by the same One who created it.  He has forever changed the state of my life. no possession, no prize, and no person holds more value in my heart than He. and all that i am and all that i have, have been given to the One who gave it for His purpose, His kingdom, and His glory. i have but one objective, and that is the world.  i have found no other venture as worthy, no other calling as sweet, and no other purpose as Holy. 

for this i pray.  for this i run.  for this i live.  for this i will die. 

my heart is fixed.

waiting.

heard this song the other day
can't get it off my heart.
being patient is an every day battle.
waiting is painful right now.
but i will serve Him.
even in the waiting.

waiting.
i'm waiting
i'm waiting on You, Lord
and i am hopeful
i'm waiting on You, Lord

though it is painful
but patiently, i will wait
i will move ahead,
bold and confident
taking every step in obedience

while i’m waiting
i will serve You
while i’m waiting
i will worship
while i’m waiting
i will not faint
i’ll be running the race
even while i wait

i’m waiting
i’m waiting on You, Lord
and i am peaceful
i’m waiting on You, Lord
though it’s not easy
but faithfully, i will wait
yes, i will wait

'...be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.' ps. 37:7
'...my soul waits for the Lord. in His Word i put my hope.' ps.130:5
'...but i have stilled and quieted my soul.' ps. 131:2
'...but my eyes are fixed on You.' ps. 141:8
'...show me the way i should go, for to You i lift up my soul.' ps. 143:8

ready.

i don't know the full extent
of what He's doing.
but i'm ready for it.

i need Him so much right now.
need Him.
want Him.
trust Him.
love Him.

i can't wait for Him
to change my world.
to do big things.

i've given myself completely to Him.
and i don't want myself back.

i want to lose all for His sake.
to have nothing to depend on but His name.

i want nothing but Him.
forever.

i want Him to do things too big for me.
so everyone knows it's Him.

i'm ready.
i'm willing.
i'm anxious.
i'm patient.
i'm hurting.
i'm hoping.
i'm trusting.
i'm terrified.
i'm His.


"but whatever gain i had, i count as loss for the sake of Christ. indeed, i count everything as loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. for His sake i have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that i may gain Christ and be found in Him."

consumed.

i have no words.
for what is happening.
in my heart.

though words have never done justice.
this time they are just
completely
inadequate.

there is a physical weight on my heart.
a pressure.
makes it hard to breathe
sometimes.

it can only be described as an
all
consuming
love.
for my Jesus.

and an
all
consuming
desperation
for people to know Him.

the pressure will not subside.
it threatens to
overwhelm me.
consume me.
transform me.

we are in a state of emergency.


my life is a vapor.
it will be gone soon.
and i have no time to waste.
and so i lay awake at night.

wanting to go.
and love.
and serve.

to make the most
of every conversation
every day.
every moment.

there is an intensity
that burns greater
than
ever
before.

and it won't go away.

and i don't want it to.

"let me catch a fiery passion to do your will. my goal is this alone. my heart is fixed. let me not turn. consume my affection and let your love burn deeply. give me power to remain prostrate at your pierced feet. there is no other place i'd rather be."

surrender.

i'm standing in the middle of a whirlwind.
and it's a scary.
and uncertain.
but my footing is firm.

my hands are lifted in the air.
and they are open.
holding nothing.

my eyes are closed.
in simple trust.

i am not big enough.
for this.
i do not know why He asked me.
but i'm honored.
the whirlwind doesn't make sense.
and didn't come at a convenient time.

but it's beautiful.
and i want to stay.

restless.

my heart is restless.
it's an every day battle.
right now.
to be quietly content.

i want Him to talk to me.
in a new way.
i've stopped to listen.
for the first time
in a while.

this world He has placed me in.
is filled
with opportunity.
incredible people.
love.
beauty.

makes me restless.

wanting to make the most of
every
single
moment.

but feeling as though
i am sitting.
wasting them.
actually.

it's because of me.
see.
i get in the way.
of Him.

i think i know what will satisfy.
myself.
what will make me feel fulfilled.
but i don't.
i don't know the first thing about me.

that's why trusting.
and then following.
are a must right now.

He knows me.
know what puts me in my element.
makes my heart thrive.
and sing.

and where i feel used.
and in turn,
content.

so i want Him to take me there.
do it.

whatever it takes.
i want Him to do in my heart and my life.
too take me there.

i want Him.
all of Him.

only He,
can make my heart rest.

sometimes.

sometimes.
life hurts.
somtimes.
it gets all out of focus like I'm looking through one of those kaleidoscopes.
and takes more than just the twist of a hand.
to clear the blurr.

sometimes.
life is simple.
seemingly carefree.
and fun.

somtimes.
it feels as though there is not one.
easy.
answer.
to be found.
upside down is normal.
and underwater it is easier to breathe.

sometimes.
there is contentment.
somtimes.
such an intense longing for something other than
the way life is.
rises up.
and makes me restless.

like now.

now i want more.
more of You.
more of life.
more of love.

it's not that i'm not blessed beyond measure.
it's not that i don't think this is
exactly.
where i am supposed to be.

for now.

but i long for more.
i want you to teach me.
during this time.
don't let me waste this longing.

but bring me through it in a hurry.
cause Jesus?

it hurts.
somtimes.

enough.

"...to pursue after Christ does not narrow one's life, but brings it rather to the level of highest possible fulfillment." a.w. tozer

this statement has become so real in my life as of late. sometimes i believe that we, even as christians, have a mindset of 'to follow Christ will require sacrifice, and therefore become mundane, and even difficult.' this is so far from the truth. to follow hard after our creator is what we were made for. to pursue with passion His plan, and His dreams, is the only possible hope of finding pure joy and contentment.

we are in a culture saturated with 'me.' this makes the mindset of 'Him' difficult to understand. because we are handed everything we could ever want or need, we find the ideas of 'pursuing after righteousness,' or even 'being set apart,' a discipline that just seems either too time consuming, or requires too much effort to be worth it. if we could only grasp how truly amazing life could be when lived for Him!

the practice of living life in His holy presense has become the overwhelming desire of my life. i want to look like Him. i want to love like Him. i want to be so saturated with His presence, so completely consumed with Him, that nothing else matters.

i want to be able to say, if everything i loved was gone tomorrow...He would be enough.

desperation.

i've been given so much.
blessed abundantly.
actually.

so much so.
that my 'need' for God.
is placed on the top shelf.
something i will pull down later.
when something has been taken.

this is wrong.

i want God.
i pursue after Him.
desire to be like Him.
cry out to be close to Him.

but do i act as if i need Him?
do i live a life that is
desperate
for
Him?

i live in a place called america.
God has blessed this place.
so much.

too much.

my fear is that because we are too blessed.
we are living lives that look nothing like
people in need.

and so we 'love' God.
because we are blessed.
and because we need someone to attribute those blessings to.

but do we cry out for Him?
are we so desperate for His presence
we can't live without Him?

can we be truly broken.
if we think everything can be easily fixed?

is it enough?

i sometimes get overwhelmed.
and wonder if i am doing enough.
i think about it a lot, actually.

this year i have been put in charge of sixty-eight people.
sixty-eight beautiful, impressionable girls.
have i done enough to show them how much they are loved?
have i done enough to show each and every one of them how much He loves them?
will any one of them leave not knowing that they are treasured beyond measure?

right now i am feeling the burden of this responsibility.
i am feeling the weight that my position carries, and i am feeling very inadequate.
and very overwhelmed.

i have a sort of 'savior complex.'
i feel as though each and every one of my girls need me to rescue them.
every time they're hurting.
or stressed.
or frustrated.

and that mindset is utterly exhausting.

it's then I remember something.
He has not called me to be superwoman.
He has not called me to be a savior.

He has only called me to be faithful.

i am only responsible to love Him with all my heart.
to show His love with everyone i come in contact with.
and to be selfless.

i can rest in that.
and know that when i am not enough.

He is.



"i am the vine, you are the branches; if you abide in me, and i in you...you will bear much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."

love doesn't age.

so i went to wal-mart today.
by myself.
i had a really big list of things to buy.
so big i needed a cart.
and that's unusual.

i passed an old man.
his belt was pulled up above his wasteline.
revealing his knee high socks and worn black sneakers.
his baseball cap sat high on his head,
as if to not muss the hair that used to grow much thicker.

he was with his wife.
his sweetheart.

she wore a flower patterned sundress.
that looked as if it'd seen better days.
hunched over the cart.
her grey hair curling around her forhead.
and her eyes squinting to read her
carefully printed grocery list.

they talked softly to each other.
he must have said something funny.
because she giggled.
and smiled up at him.

as they shuffled down the row of
green beans
and corn.

together.

i realized
something.

love doesn't age.

"true love is eternal, infinite, equal, and pure, it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart."

whatever it takes.

what does it take.
to be broken.
the place where "i" don't exist.
and You do.

what does it look like.
to be wholly Yours.
what must i give up.
how must i hurt.

i'm willing.
whatever it takes.

if you have to break my heart.
if you must take what i love.

i want to need You.

i'm learning that to seek after You.
doesn't narrow my life.
but brings it rather.
to the level of
highest
possible
fulfillment.

but i want to do more than find You.
i want to need You.

i want to get to the place.
where i can't go on without You.

because it is in that place.
that i realize who You are.

and it is then.
that i truly love You.

"as the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee. You alone, are my heart's desire, and i long to worship Thee."

a full heart.

i can't explain my joy.
no words ever created.
suffice at this moment.

i feel as though.
my heart is a little bowl.
all filled up.

it's so full it keeps spilling.
but somehow stays right at the brim.
i want to stay like this forever.

totally content.

it's because i've made Him my all.
somehow giving up.
i gain everything.

"the woman who has God as her treasure has all things in One. many ordinary treasures may be denied her, or if she is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to her happiness. or if she must see them go, one after one, she will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the source of all things she has in one all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. whatever she may lose she has actually lost nothing, for she now has it all in One, and she has it purely, legitimately, and forever."

that's me.

why the mask?

transparency.

real.
open.
honest.

the gut-level kind.

that's what we're missing.
that's what we need.

i look around and see happy plastic people.
with walls to hide our weakness.
and smiles to hide our pain.

would that we were more like Jesus.
brutally honest.
and tell-it-like-it-is christians.
with love.

it has to be balanced with love.
that's the way He did it.
and people listened.
and were healed.
not just their bodies.
but their hearts.

we have a lot of broken hearts.
hidden by smiles.

we all hurt.
pain is not a new development.
and the wisest man that ever lived
said that there is nothing new under the sun.
in other words.
we all experience the exact same things.
in different forms.
at different times.
with different people.

but the same.

so why do we bury it all inside.
as if we are the only ones that sin.
or hurt.
or make a mess of our lives.
or cry.

would it set you free.
if you dared to let me see.
the truth behind the person.
i imagine you to be?

i wish for once when i asked someone how they are.
they would just tell me the truth.